Everybody deserves a second chance
by BouncyTigger
Summary: Challenge response : Set just after Dawnies little "and you'll wake up on fire" thing. Spike writes her a letter and leaves it on her bed just before sunrise. I made it nighttime, though, so I guess I'm not 100 accurate.. If it's friendship or romanc


Title: Everybody deserves a second chance  
Author: BouncyTigger  
Disclaimer: In a twisted parallel dimension where I'm also queen of the world with my own lane on every freeway, I own everything. In this world however, I do not. Sadly.  
Rating: Nothing you can't watch on tv (Mentions the attempted rape in season 6)  
Category: S/D Friendship (I couldn't find a way to turn this into a romance, I just felt that it might feel rushed.)  
Summary: This is in response to a challenge by Niki over at LN. Challenge goes as following: Set just after Dawnies little "and you'll wake up on fire" thing. Spike writes her a letter and leaves it on her bed just before sunrise. (I made it nighttime, though, so I guess I'm not 100 accurate..) If it's friendship or romance I'm sorry or whatever it is your choice but it -must- soften Dawnie's heart and she goes to see him.  
A/N: This is the first story I've written in almost two years, so please be gentle.  
Feedback: Would be greatly appreciated. (Feel free to point out grammatical errors, English is not my first language)

Everybody deserves a second chance

Dawn lay in bed, rethinking today's events. What had started out as a common day, had turned out to be one out of the ordinary. Sure, there had been the, meanwhile, usual threat of a new beastie, some worm-thingy that had eaten a dog and was now hunting for said dog's owner, but those were things that didn't qualify anymore as extraordinary in the world of Dawn Summers.The enemies changed, but after all it was the same deal all the time. Find out what's trying to kill you, find a way to kill the beastie first, kill the slime-worm-vampire-monster-demon-whatever thing, go home, have a soda and relax on the couch. The fact that she couldn't get over, that still was reeling in her mind was something else. Spike had come back. That and the way he had come back were the things that kept Dawn from sleeping.

He had just waltzed in, as if nothing had happened, as if no one would know and as if no one would feel any anger towards him. Not one apologetic word, not even a gesture. True, his outfit had changed, but the attitude had been the same. And all that had made Dawn so damn angry. This was not how she had pictured his return.

He should have reappeared on his knees, grovelling for forgiveness. And not only Buffy's, but also hers. For not being there, for letting her down, for not being the friend she had thought he had become. But none of that had happened. Spike had just overlooked her the way he had done the past year since Buffy had been brought back. If Dawn hadn't started talking to him, he probably would've walked out of the house again without even acknowledging her presence.

And then she had threatened him. Not that she regretted that. Over the past summer Dawn had thought up all kinds of scenarios about what to do and what to say once Spike came back. Usually they involved all kinds of swear words and lots of yelling, no matter how infantile a reaction like that might be considered from the adult world. He had tried to rape her sister after all. Dawn wanted him to know that this went even further than Buffy and him. She wanted to tell him that him overstepping the boundaries also affected their friendship or whatever was left of it. She wanted him to regret that. She wanted him to be truly sorry. She still wanted him to tell her that it all had been some sort of huge misunderstanding so that she was able to trust him again. And a small part of her still wanted to know if he was okay. When she had asked him whether he slept, it was not only meant as an introduction to the whole "you'll wake up on fire" - line. She also wanted to know if he was able to sleep well after all that had happened. Because she wasn't. Dawn woke up almost every night. Sometimes it was nightmares of Tara's death, other times Spike was the reason. Evil things he could do and also evil things that could've happened to him while he was away. Those were the dreams she wanted the least. Those dreams meant that she still cared, when all she wanted to be was to be angry and to despise him for doing what he had done and acting the way he had.

And then, seeing him standing there, a smirk on his face, saying " Of course", had made her blood boil. Because it meant that he didn't care. Not about what he had done, not about her. Wanting to be as ice cold as Spike obviously was, the threat had come. She had meant every word of it, still did. And it had felt good to see that smirk slide off his features before he left.

After everyone had left, Dawn had done some schoolwork and waited for their return. As it had turned out, the worm demon thingy had been Anya's fault. Now it was gone, things were quite normal by Sunnydale standards again, and Buffy was out there slaying. And with her sister saving the world for another night, Dawn decided she could get some sleep.

She stretched in bed, trying to find the right sleeping position when suddenly she felt something under her pillow. Switching the light back on, Dawn pulled the thing out from under the pillow and saw that it was an envelope. There was no name on it. Dawn couldn't think of anyone that would put a letter in her bed, especially since she hadn't left the house since afternoon. Although she was slowly getting really tired, her curiosity got the better of her and she quickly opened it. And then, although she didn't recognize the handwriting, she only had to read the first word to know who the letter was from..

_"Niblet,  
I hope I may still call you that. If you don't want me to, I'll understand and respect that. You'll just have to tell me.  
Now, where do I start? I guess this isn't the time for pleasantries, so I'll just get to the bottom of things.  
What I did to Buffy was horrible, but if you're expecting an apology you might have to stick around awhile. Not that I don't regret it. I do and I'd give a lot to make it undone. But I could say I'm sorry a million times, meaning it from the bottom of my heart, and it wouldn't make things better. Some things are unforgivable, and attempted rape it one of them. You probably finally see me as a monster now. I often see myself as one these days, and it's lost its touch of coolness, I can tell you. As a vampire, killing is one thing. It's part of your everyday business, survival of the fittest, eat or being eaten..call it what you want. Most vampires aren't like Brad Pitt in that vampire flick you made me watch once. And those who are usually don't last long. But I've always thought that besides the usual vampire - humans kind of violence I was quite decent. _

_Guess I'm not._

When I walked into your house tonight and saw you, I knew you know about everything. I don't like the fact that they told you. Not because I would've liked to keep it from you. You've seen many things already and are old enough to know what's going on. But I would've liked to tell you myself, because I think you would've deserved finding out from me. Not because I would've kept some details to myself. I tried to force myself onto your sister and it probably was the worst, most disgusting thing I've ever done. And if you'd ask me why I did it, I probably would have to say that I don't exactly know myself either. Nothing between Buffy and me ever was logical or made the slightest bit of sense. All I knew was that I loved her and that maybe I could make her care about me too. That I could make her love me. I tried a lot of things, tried to settle for whatever she was willing to give me, even though all she ever wanted from me was a quick, sterile feeling. I let myself believe that, in time, that would change. That I could love her enough for the both of us. And then she took it all away, saying it was killing her. I was killing her. Killing her when all I did was loving her and doing what she wanted. When she ended things between us as abruptly as they had started, I couldn't let go. And that night...I totally lost it. I thought that if she didn't want me this way, then maybe she'd like me when I was different. That I could win her back by making her mine, by claiming her. But she didn't want that and I was too far gone to stop. I couldn't control or stop myself. Sometimes I wonder why she didn't stake me that night. I would've deserved it.

But don't think I would've gotten off the hook without paying for it. I am paying for what I've done and I'm paying dearly. Buffy will never trust me again, I will be faced with what I've done every time I see her and with you I probably lost the only true friend I've had in over a century. I know I disappointed you. I know I let you down. As I found out, I wasn't there when Tara died and you maybe would've needed me. For that I am truly sorry. And if there is a way, any way, to at least try to make up for that, just tell me and I'll do whatever it takes. I need a friend now more than ever.  
Although I have to admit I'm a little scared of you. Don't get me wrong: If I ever tried something like what I did to Buffy again with anyone, you'd have every right to set me on fire. Hell, I'd even bring the lighter. I deserve anything fate can come up with anyways. And who knows: Maybe it would be better that way. It pains me. It pains me so much and there is nothing I can do to make it stop. But I think that the price for mixing purity with filth.  
Think about everything and maybe you won't hate me forever. You don't have to forgive me, but please just don't give up on me yet, Dawn. I need someone to believe in me so that I know sticking around is worthwhile. I need hope.  
-Spike" 

Dawn put the letter down, a lot of questins running through her head. When had Spike hidden the letter here?  
What did all these subtexts mean?  
After reading it again and not becoming any wiser, she decided that she would go and talk to him. Spike had made the first step by writing the letter. That alone of course didn't mean that he was forgiven. Everyone had to face consequences for taken actions, and everyone included Spike. But there seemed some false impressions floating around. She had thought that Spike felt no remorse whatsoever about what he had done. That letter in her hands said otherwise. And Spike was under a false impression, too. It wasn't that she hated him. It had never been about hatred. Granted, on a scale from one to ten, she was still pissed enough for a high eleven, but that didn't mean she hated him. Spike had never been anything but good to her during the times he'd taken care of her. Watching over her, making sure she was alright. The whole summer when Buffy had been gone he'd been there for her when all the others had been too busy to care. And because of all that, a part of her would always be grateful.  
No, hatred wasn't what Dawn felt. Anger..absolutely. Disappointment..sure. Hurt..of course. Those feelings were all part of the fact that she couldn't trust Spike anymore. But a person could win someone's trust back, right?  
Spike had done a lot for her. He'd almost died for her when he also could've not cared. Twice. And he'd never judged her when she had done something wrong. Now that she knew that he had regrets, she owed him a second chance, or at least an opportunity to hear him out.  
Buffy had mentioned that Spike was living in the school basement now. Tomorrow she'd go there and confront him. Tell him what she needed to get off her chest and let him respond to that, explain himself. That was about all she could give for now.

The next afternoon, after a few inner discussions whether she should go and see Spike or let things rest for a few days, maybe write him a letter too, Dawn made her way to the school basement. Not knowing exactly where she would find Spike she slowly walked from room to room, deeper and deeper into the basement. Last week this had been the place where all those ghosts had attacked, but she wasn't scared. That problem had been taken care of. Faintly, far in the back from where she was, she heard some noise. It sounded like someone talking. Dawn went towards the voice, wondering who it was Spike was talking to. If it was Spike.

"Leave me alone!", she heard him cry.

Dawn quietly slipped through a door, finding Spike in a crouching position with his back towards her. He was alone, but kept on talking as if to someone only he could see.

"Yeah, that's right! Coming here, rubbing all that into my face..who do you think you are, eh?".

Then, probably after he had gotten a "response", he continued.

"Oh, that's rich! Well, I'm not playing. And stop using that face, I hate the stupid git.".

Another pause, then:

"Because!".

Dawn stood there, not knowing what to make of all this. Suddenly, Spike ripped open his shirt and started clawing at his chest.

"Why won't you stop paining me!", he cried, scratching his nails over his chest with each word as if to emphasize it.

His whole demeanor, the way he was talking to himself and only god knew who else, his irrational behaviour had nothing to do with the Spike Dawn had seen only a day before. This Spike here had totally lost it. For a second she pondered if she should make her presence known at all, or just turn around and leave before crazy-Spike could do anything to her.  
But the bigger part of her wanted to know why he was acting this way and how he had gotten into this state. Slowly, she approached him, careful and focused in case anything should happen.

"Spike?".

He whirled around, a shocked and surprised look in his eyes. And something, Dawn didn't recognize at first. She wasn't used to seeing this expression in Spike's glance. Fear.

"Who's there?".

"It's me, Dawn.". She stepped out of the dark corner she had stood in.

A flicker of hope flashed over Spike's face.

"Niblet?".

"Yeah, it's me. Spike, what is going on?".

Something she had rarely seen before, a real smile and not the usual smirk, appeared on Spike's face.

"You came. You'll help me make them stop, won't you?".

"Stop who? Spike, I don't understand-".

"They're all in here, talking. Whispering and screaming at the same time, telling me things.".

"I don't see anyone.".

"They're in me.They came with the package.".

"What package?".

"The spark. The spark I had them put into me again. So that I can be a better man.".

It took Dawn a few seconds to understand what he was talking about, but then it clicked. Spike had gotten his soul back. And, obviously, with the soul the memories of what he had done had come back to haunt him, making him feel guilt and remorse. The conversation she had overheard before had been one with someone in his head, probably someone he had killed at some point. Now she also understood the letter and what he had meant with mixing purity with filth. Of coursethis was torturing him. Feeling horrible for what he had done to probably thousands of people every second of every day..

It was right then when Dawn realized something. She would never have to set Spike on fire. He was already burning in his very own purgatory. And she remembered what Giles had said once: To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it. And Spike looked like he really needed it.

"Stay a while niblet, will you? They're not so loud when I'm not alone.".

Slowly, she approached him and kneeled down next to him.

"We'll make them stop. Somehow. We'll make them shut up, okay?".

Dawn didn't have the slightest clue how to do that or if it was even possible. If that was the price Spike had to pay for his soul. But he needed something to hold on to, and she would give him that. Just like he had done for her when Buffy had been gone. Be his rock the way he had been  
hers, believing for the two of them that it would be better one day, until he believed it too.

"Ssssh...it'll be alright, Spike. I'm here for you okay? We'll find a way..".

Softly stroking over his hair she gently rocked forth and back. Having deep conversations about what had been and dissolving all the things and feelings that maybe stood between them now would have to wait. Now was not the time for them. Right now it was time to calm down the trembling vampire that had put his arms around her, like a drowning man holds onto a lifeline, after her promise to make it stop.

END


End file.
